The first was a few words he said about “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and it may have been back when the law was originally passed and the news was in the papers. I remember distinctly what he told me, which was that “Men who like to kiss other men want to be in the army, but can you imagine that? Two guys in a tank and one yells at the other to load the big gun, but he says ‘Okay, but you have to kiss me first, big boy!’” In other words, he was using the common line that queer men in the military would get in the way by trying to make out and fuck when they’re supposed to be fighting a battle. They just wouldn’t be able to keep their hands off each other long enough to do their job.

I was less than ten years old at the time, but even at that age I knew how ridiculous it was. I never asked him what I asked in my mind, “But, the straight women and men in the military today don’t have that problem. Why would it be any different?” I don’t know how my thoughts on the subject would have gone without this interaction with my father, but I know that it was this conversation that gave me my first thoughts on gays, lesbians, and bisexuals in the military: “so what?”

I was a smart kid.

The second memory I have been thinking about is directly one about bisexuality. I can’t remember the name of the celebrity or the context of what we were watching on TV, but my father made a remark about a comment made by a male actor “Being bisexual is great; You get twice as many dates.”

I remember my father scoffing at the idea and exclaiming, “That’s ridiculous, he’d only be able to other bisexuals.” And, of course, I recognized that as immediately being a huge misunderstanding of what “bisexual” means. Of course, he has some point when it comes to biphobia that is present in both the straight and gay populations, but I don’t think he was all that aware of this concept, at least not outside of his normal run-of-the-mill homophobia. I remember, in my young mind, thinking this man’s logic made perfect sense.

I don’t recall if I had any thoughts, in either of these instances, of my own bisexuality. But, in both instances, they felt completely natural for people to live like that. I could see no problem with it, and I thought a bit less of my father. I still love him as a wonderful father, I should clarify. These memories always stuck with me. They have validated my believes many times as being something that has always been obvious, even to a child’s mind, not some kind of rebellious phase. And, I have always held some kind of comfort knowing that I have been accepting of these things my entire life, that I was ever aware of them. Even though I was part of the fundamentalist christian world as a child, I was never the kind of queer-hating bigot that I protest today.

Smart kid.

I came out to my friends and family. Yeah, I did the passive Facebook-status coming out. I also changed my profile pic to a photo the wife took of me at Pride day the other week, with “Bi” written on my cheek under a rainbow umbrella. I’m keeping that up for anyone who missed the first announcement. This was a bit ago, but I’ve not written down my thoughts about it and I thought I should go ahead and do that.

Honestly, it happened largely on a whim. I wasn’t planning it. It was on Bi Visibility, back on September 23rd. I was feeling pretty anxious about not doing it. About not being visible. Damn it, I wanted to be visible!

So, I sat down and I did it. I told everyone. I told my wife about it and she was very happy. I was happy she was happy about it. That certainly helped to ease my anxiety over it. I spent the rest of day wondering where the bang was. Where was the response? Sure I had some passively positive responses, but I had nothing big. No one really cared, one way or another. What the hell was I making such a big deal for?

I’m glad I did it. I still feel like what i saw as a mountain ended up feeling like a speed bump. Maybe less, like the speed bumps they only paint on the road, but you don’t actually feel anything driving over them.

Do it. Turns out it can be really, really easy!

One goal lasts a couple hours and no one will ever know, afterwards. In that context, if i am otherwise not out, it might feel like a costume party. I dress up and everyone says “Hey, look, I bisexual!” and I go home and take off the costume.

Coming out to friends and family feels so huge and imposing, in comparison, that it honestly just scares the shit out of me. The problem is I don’t see any stepping stones between the easy step and the difficult step.

In a different situation, I would have more opportunities for gradual coming out. As it is, being bisexual doesn’t have any outward change in my life, so coming out is a completely voluntary, separate action to make a statement and invite some bigotry. I am not out to my friends, nor is there any good way to do so. Am I supposed to just start telling random friends, without any context, "Hey, guess what? I'd like to suck on a cock. That’s what." Awkward, much? If I was gay or otherwise dating men, it would just come up in conversations. It would just be part of talking about my day when I mention some nice guy I meet.

Maybe I just need to socialize more as a bisexual man, in a context where being straight is not assumed. Maybe my wife and I should hit some gay bars. I’ve recently joined a gay and bi-male outdoors group, but they haven’t done anything yet. There are options opening. I still have this feeling like everything accessible to me, as far as venues to explore and experience my bisexuality, is completely in private. I simply have no opportunity for just casually being bisexual in public. This is why the gap between the start and end of this road is really big and has no steps in between.

In all honesty there is no event I can point to in my memory and say “That is when I realized I liked boys and girls, both.” I can remember fairly back into my sexuality, and as young as I can remember having sexual thoughts about girls, I can remember similar attraction to boys. When I started masturbating, it was probably default to think about girls and fantasize about what sex was like, but it was common to think of the male body, as well.

As I grew older, I think I kept the attraction to males in my mind, but I didn’t pursue it. The social reasons for not being open about it are obvious. I might have always known I liked people of any gender, but I learned as quickly that I should prefer the females. I don’t think, at that point, I was bothered much. I liked girls, so why would I have a problem with only expressing crushes on them? I knew i shouldn’t express that I thought a certain boy was cute, but it didn’t seem like a problem when I had plenty of cute girls to talk about, instead.

Eventually, I met a girl who is now my wife. At this point, I felt no pressure about my bisexuality. I had a woman I was spending my life with, so the issue of attraction to and actually being with a man would never come up. I wasn’t bothered by this, because I had already committed to not being with anyone else for the rest of my life, so the fact that half of those people were men made no difference to me.

Several years down the road, my wife had a realization of her own. Hers was much more sudden than mine, even to the point of remember that specific event of knowing. She was bisexual. It took her a while to actually come out to me. I built up my courage and later came out to her. I feel great that we can be honest with each other about this.

But, from here we diverged. She is a lot more comfortable with all of this and for me there is much more long-term baggage to work through. But I didn’t really start working through anything. I just kind of stopped, and it ate at me, for a long time. She has grown and experienced more about herself, while I have nailed boards across the closet door to keep it shut extra tight. She is out to her family and friends, very openly, while I haven’t come out to anyone.

I don’t want this. I want a free life. I want to live as who I am. We attended pride day and to anyone else there, we looked like a straight couple who liked watching drag shows. Next year, I want to wear matching “1/2 of the hotest bisexual couple” t-shirts to make no mistake that we belong there. I want to change my Facebook profile to “Interested in: Men, Women” and I know that sounds trivial and silly, but it isn’t trivial when you’re parents see it and your little sisters see it and they wouldn’t possibly understand anything about it, or approve, or likely talk to me easily for a few months later.

This is scary, but I’ve realized that not being honest is scarier.

So, it is time I played catch up wit h my wife, and that is what these posts are a part of. Hopefully I’ll learn something about myself, such as why I say things that are that cheesy. Hopefully, I’ll be able to say something along the way that will help someone else.